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A busy life on maternity leave is real! It is impossible not to engage in self-development when you live with a child.

Last week I met with a work colleague and we had a very strange conversation. We haven’t seen each other for a long time, because I’m on maternity leave and I’m only at work if I need to go to the HR department to sign something. But I am remembered as a person who was “burning out at work”, and during a short conversation I got the impression that I was now not meeting role expectations.

I felt that they were expecting me to tell stories about sleepless nights, the overwhelming everyday burden of washing, cleaning and cooking, quarrels with my husband who does not understand me, a lack of communication and nostalgic reminiscences about past, more energetic and eventful times.

Man-and-woman.com

And when I tried to dispel these ideas and say that everything is fine and I’m quite happy with life, I was told that I look tired, so it’s probably hard for me and I don’t want to talk about it, but everyone understands everything. After this meeting, I had a strange feeling, because it turns out that if a woman is on maternity leave and is not hysterical, this is a reason to be disappointed in her.

I want to talk about my “wrong” maternity leave, but let me make a lyrical digression.

Life is like treadmill: stopped and immediately took off. Therefore, for a woman, the stage when she gives birth to a child and stays at home is the time when you can look at everything from the outside: you stopped, but did not fly off the treadmill, but pressed freeze frame.

You even look at yourself from the outside. It wasn’t me who didn’t brush my teeth yesterday and then walked around the house in my nightgown all day. No, I didn’t go wild, it’s just that in the first time after the birth of a child you begin to think about yourself indirectly.


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What seemed very important absolutely ceases to matter now, during the period of mother and baby. You can forget about work for a while, don’t get hung up on your appearance, don’t think about new clothes for the season, even order in your apartment becomes something relative.

What was once considered disorder is now “relatively orderly.” I just washed my face - it turns out that this is possible, and there are a bunch of tubes and jars with masks, tonics, and scrubs waiting in the wings. For lunch, I threw a piece of something frozen into the oven straight from the freezer, and it seemed like everyone ate. I went outside with my child in an old tights and my husband’s jacket - it didn’t matter.

A woman with a small child is outside the competition of life; the world does not place on her the requirements that others must meet. The time will come - society will present the bill: she could have already lost weight after giving birth, she could have not taken sick leave, who will work for her? But for now she is “in the house.”

A separate conversation is about those who will need to go to work. Suddenly I remembered that in our women’s team there are women who raise small children all their lives. Their children are already taller than me, but if I need to carry out some work assignment, then for years these women have been known as “young mothers with small children” who cannot be “touched”, and the bosses get so used to this idea that they forget: they have children This property is to grow.


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So at work you can hide behind your little children for a long time, even your whole life, and this cover then smoothly flows into your little grandchildren. Such women, even at work, do not stop living in freeze-frame mode; it constantly seems to them that the world remains in their debt. This is wrong, you need to leave the “house”. And I'll go out. But while I'm sitting there, I feel good and comfortable.

Therefore, for me, maternity leave is not absolute hell, it really is a vacation. That is, the opportunity to enjoy free time (in the sense of not being busy with work), from not having to constantly run somewhere, from communicating with your little daughter, and even from household chores.

Do you know what questions I, a mother on maternity leave, get most often asked? “Are you getting enough sleep?”, “Are you very tired?” and “Are you getting everything done?” Judging by the questions, these are the typical problems of a maternity mother: lack of sleep, time and chronic fatigue.

“Are you getting everything done?” Yes, with an amendment: I manage to do everything I want to do. I'm in no hurry, I have no plans to conquer the planet and earn all the money in the world, open my own business and get Nobel Prize, I’m not catching up with anyone, in no way am I fighting for the title of mother of the year, wife of the season or woman of the month.


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There are days when I don't have time to cook something. There are times when I have a mess, laundry piled up, or dirty dishes. It happens that some things have accumulated. Sometimes you need to go to the clinic or somewhere else, and you have to think about how to organize it.

But this is a common routine that would have happened in one form or another anyway. Yes, now I am not such a flexible and easy-going person. But I am much more idle and carefree than before.

Let me immediately make a reservation for clarity that I had the opportunity to compare two maternity leaves: the first one, which I had in my youth, and the second one, which I am on now, when I am forty years old.

The difference is not in how you feel or appearance, but in relation to what is happening. Yes, the first time I slept little, didn’t get anything done, and was constantly short of money. But let's look at things objectively: all this happened, not because I had a child, but because there were so many life plans and exorbitant ambitions that I could not sit quietly and wait, looking at how others study, travel, make a career, while I sit at home.

That’s why I went to work when my son was one year old, immediately got into graduate school, took driving courses, went abroad during the summer language school. I slept four hours a day because I studied at night, got up at five in the morning to prepare food and ran to work; I didn’t have enough money, because I wanted to dress beautifully, go on vacation, earn money for my car... And, of course, I didn’t have time to get anywhere! In particular, I did not have time to spend enough time with the child.


promum.com.ua

Now I have the opportunity to observe my neighbor, a very young woman who has two small children: a one-year-old girl the same age as my daughter and a son who is two years older. Every time I see her, she's late for something. She is constantly looking for someone who could babysit the children, and this despite the fact that the children already go to nursery school. But she still doesn’t have enough time, because she signed up for language courses, goes to Gym, is preparing for graduate school exams (my bad example, or what?), and on the weekend she definitely wants to go somewhere, and sometimes calls me for company.

For example, next Saturday we are going with the children to some House of Culture for some children's performance. Honestly, I would rather sit at home with a cup of good coffee and talk about the meaning of life while the children play with toys.

Because such kids will not be able to sit through a serious performance calmly, they will be capricious and still gain little from what is happening. Most likely, it will be cold in the room, that is, we will simply suffer and freeze. And this is instead of sitting at home in warmth and comfort.

But I support the company, because, looking at my restless, ambitious, always in a hurry neighbor, I can’t help thinking that she reminds me of me at her age.

But I'm already a different person. I haven’t managed to do everything in this life, but I understand that there is too little time left to spread myself thin. Therefore, I have only one thing that I want to do now: enjoy playing with a small child. This is the only pleasure that I stupidly missed out on, and now I have a rare chance to make up for lost time.


offspringmagazine.com

Looking at my eldest son, I am all too aware of how fleeting time is. It seems that here he is, a happy little first-grader, and I lead him by the hand to school, he tells me something, but I don’t listen, I speed up my step and pull him along with me, because at this time I myself am thinking how I can make it in time. another place no one needs.

And in a moment he is already a student, and I want to talk to him, find out how he lives, go somewhere together, but he has become so unapproachable, secretive and taciturn, and only responds with animation to conversations about a new video card.

“Are you getting enough sleep?” Oh yeah! I’ll even say more, I haven’t slept so sweetly and serenely since school. At the institute, I had no time to sleep, because at night I either ran around on dates where there was no time for sleep, or studied like hell. During my first maternity leave, I also didn’t get enough sleep, as I wrote above. And then there were many years of continuous bustle and running around. I worked in an endless number of places, at night and on weekends I was constantly completing some translations and taking on part-time jobs, so sleeping until 9 am even on a day off was always a luxury for me that I could rarely afford.

Now I go to bed early, because I don’t have to get ready for work until 1 am, I sleep until 8 or 9 am with my child, and during the day, when there is no other thing to do, and even if there is, I also sometimes go to bed with her and I'm falling asleep.

All my life I considered narcolepsy my problem, because I could fall asleep, for example, standing like a horse near a painting in a museum or sitting at some meeting with my head in a notebook.

I have had cases when I had to stop my car on the side of the road in the middle of the road and simply switch off for twenty minutes, like Standartenführer Stirlitz, because I felt sleep creeping in and was afraid that I would fall asleep at the wheel. It turns out that I just needed a good night's sleep, and had to give birth to a child and go on maternity leave to understand this. This is such a revelation.

"Do you get very tired?" It depends on what you compare it to. The days are different. Fatigue also varies. You can get very tired when your child is unwell and has to spend the whole day cuddling with a 12-kilogram load in their arms. Yes, then your legs and lower back start to hurt. Sometimes I understand that I am simply tired of the monotony of the home routine, so there is a feeling of emotional relief when it is possible to leave the house without a child, even if you went out for fifteen minutes to a nearby pharmacy. But one thing I can say for sure: my brain has finally relaxed and is resting to the fullest. My husband was the first to notice this feature of a rested brain when I complained to him that I went to the city center and there were so many people there that it began to irritate me out of habit, and he replied: “Finally, you relaxed so much that you became someone.” then notice things around you!”

And I thought. But it’s true that before I didn’t see much around me. I was so immersed in my thoughts and affairs that I would not have noticed nuclear explosion on the horizon.

It happened to me like this. My friend and I are walking down the street, talking about the problems of linguistic anthropology. And then a friend can say: look what an interesting couple passed by! Or: look how strange the girl’s hair is. And I start looking around: who? What? Where? I didn’t see anything, I didn’t notice anyone. I had no time. That is, you understand the comedy of the situation: for the first time in my life I have so nothing to do that I began to pay attention to what the people around me look like!

I can be accused of being a lazy stay-at-home mom. I don’t go for a walk with my child every day; we don’t go anywhere and don’t socialize. There was an attempt to attend developmental classes once a week, but, firstly, for this I had to get up early, secondly, I really didn’t like the girl teacher who was exalted to the point of adequacy, thirdly, after the second lesson we got sick, and This is where my enthusiasm dried up. Several times we visited children's birthday parties and went with neighbors to a children's entertainment center, but I came to the conclusion that such trips are tiring for me, and the child is still too young to understand what is happening. So, if possible, I like to stay close to my usual food and my usual place to nap.

Friends invite us to meet you New Year somewhere outside the city. Come with your child, there will be a festive table, fireworks, we will relax. I ask: who exactly will rest? How can a woman with a small child relax somewhere other than at home? You will still need to think about how and what to feed, where to heat food, how to put you to sleep, how to sit you down to poop, how to dress you, but all this is under force majeure conditions, in an unfamiliar place. And then it starts: you took the wrong clothes, forgot the potty at home, lost your pacifier, what kind of fireworks are we talking about anyway? In general, it’s better if you come to visit us, because on my own territory, next to my refrigerator, washing machine and online grocery delivery, I can have fun and relax indefinitely.

So think what you want, but I'm not very tired. To be fair, I have a compassionate, self-sufficient husband, a fully independent son, just one child to take care of, and I go out of my way to avoid situations in which I know I will be tired.

I deliberately want to skip the topic that is vital for women on maternity leave - the topic of lack of means of subsistence. I'll try to explain. I've met a lot of different people in my life of different ages from different social strata and different countries. But I have never met a person who had enough money. I have met those who lack several hundred thousand dollars to finish building a cottage on the lake, those who do not have enough for a vacation in Singapore, those who do not have enough to pay for their children’s studies abroad, those who need to borrow money before payday, because they don’t have enough to pay for utilities or a loan for a new TV, and those who at eight in the morning don’t have enough to throw down on a bottle of “ink” to get a hangover.

I know a woman who was at home on maternity leave with her third child without a husband or alimony, lived only on benefits, and she complained less about life than those who don’t have enough for a manicure and a spa.

So if you are relatively healthy, not hungry, and have a place to live, then the question of what you don’t have enough money for today is a matter of individual speculation. Therefore, the problem of a woman on maternity leave is not even that she does not have enough money, but that she becomes very vulnerable and dependent, she largely has to rely on other people and show flexibility and patience, and this can be difficult. In principle, it is difficult to show flexibility and patience, even if you are not a woman and not on maternity leave.

I also consciously focus only on the positive aspects. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a positive “if life turns sour, make lemonade” idiot, no. I just know that life really can be so difficult that it would be foolish not to take advantage of the freeze-frame moment and spend some time taking a break from the rat race and watching another worldview grow and take shape before your eyes. So don't touch me, I'm "in the house." Give it a rest.

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Maternity leave is full of pitfalls. You are no longer your own. A little bundle of happiness requires attention, care, and warmth. I want to give him all my time, all my tenderness and all my love. And you give. Dissolve in the flow of feedings, diapers, washing, cleaning, walks. A mother on maternity leave does not notice how she stops paying attention to her appearance, development, and relationship with her husband. And then a strange sad woman looks out of the mirror. If you managed to avoid such a spectacle, then please accept my sincere congratulations. If not, let’s figure out together how to make the reflection still beautiful and the mind clear.

APPEARANCE

Makeup and hairstyle

Why do mothers on maternity leave stop taking care of their appearance?

  • No time.

It is difficult for a woman on maternity leave to find time for herself, but it is possible. Do you have half an hour on social networks, the next episode of your favorite series or TV show? If yes, then don’t say that there are no 15 minutes for makeup and hair.

  • You don't have to go out in public every day.

What about the husband and child? Don't they deserve an attractive mother? Don’t be lazy, because a well-groomed appearance adds self-confidence and improves your mood.

How to find time for cosmetic procedures?

Divide your beauty routines into daily ones and those that you perform 1-3 times a week. Store cosmetics for daily use in one place. This will save time on self-care. Distribute procedures that are performed less frequently by day of the week. This way you can do it in a few minutes a day, but you will look well-groomed all the time. Mothers on maternity leave forget everything. Having thought over a plan for caring for your face and body, write it down on a piece of paper. For example:

  • Monday: hair care (mask);
  • Tuesday: facial treatment (scrub, mask);
  • Wednesday: body care (scrub, moisturizing milk);
  • Thursday: hair care (mask);
  • Friday: hand care (bath, manicure);
  • Saturday: foot care (heels, pedicure);
  • Sunday: facial treatment (mask).

To control yourself, check the boxes next to the completed procedures throughout the week.

Cloth

Let's think about clothes. If you are not going to participate in the “Miss Old Robe” or “Best Housepants” competition, then put them aside. Or throw it away altogether. Nobody is asking you to dress like you go to work. But answer the question: is my husband pleased to see me in a stretched out old T-shirt? Look for a compromise: let the clothes be inexpensive, comfortable, but decent. By the way, your mood depends on this.

Figure

Finding time for sports is not easy for a mother on maternity leave. Need an assistant for the child's husband or grandmother. If there is no one to sit with your child while you are jogging or at the gym, then try to introduce 15 minutes of morning exercises into your daily routine.

MOTHER ON MATERNITY AND HOME

Taking care of children, kitchen, laundry and cleaning - mom will always find something to do on maternity leave. How can you make it here? It’s possible, you just need to stop being a perfectionist.

  • Cleaning like Flylady's.

If the house where the child lives is always tidy, something is wrong. For women on maternity leave, Marla Silley’s “FlyLady” system will be useful. So, by spending a few minutes a day cleaning one room, you can keep your house clean all the time.

  • Delegation.
  • Menu for the week.

On Sunday, make a menu for the next seven days. We know what a headache it is to think every day, “What to cook?” And with a plan, you will save time for more pleasant things and thoughts.

SELF-DEVELOPMENT AND MAINTENANCE OF QUALIFICATIONS

Mothers on maternity leave often notice that they feel “dull.” Why does this happen? On maternity leave, the mother's thoughts are completely absorbed by the little creature. Hormones, nothing can be done. There is no time to read books, materials on the profession or take courses. And I don’t want to. And it is necessary.

In 2-3 years, a woman sitting at home with her baby can “dull” her qualifications. Do not forget about changes in legislation and market conditions. Almost a third of Ukrainian women, after the end of their maternity leave, are forced to look for new job. If you do not want to be among them, follow the news of the profession, subscribe to the relevant newsletters on the Internet, read the literature. Spend at least 10-15 minutes a day maintaining your qualifications, and getting out of maternity leave will be much easier.

On the other hand, if you didn’t really like your previous job, then maternity leave is just what the doctor ordered. The first months with a baby are difficult to learn new things. But, you have almost three years! We remember our childhood dreams and try ourselves in new roles. When, if not now!

In recent years, the global trend towards online learning has been gaining momentum in Ukraine. There are many platforms that offer courses on various topics for free - www.futurelearn.com, www.coursera.org, prometheus.org.ua and others. A mother on maternity leave can listen to lectures on her specialty, study languages ​​or master new profession without leaving home. Everything is on the Internet.

When? Again, it’s not easy for mothers on maternity leave to find time for themselves. But how do you like the idea of ​​recording a course of lectures or interesting book on your smartphone and listen while you walk with a child sleeping in a stroller? But this is only one of the options.

COMMUNICATION

Friends get to know each other... while on maternity leave. Yes, with a baby you automatically become an “inconvenient” friend. Shopping is no longer the same, it’s difficult to find time for coffee, and it’s almost impossible to go to the movies. It’s good when you have the opportunity to leave the baby with your grandmother or nanny and unwind, but what if there isn’t one? Agree with your husband that once a week you can leave the house and spend time with your friends. Without communication with friends, the mother’s psychological state worsens, this is no secret.

By the way, about communication. What about your husband? A child needs parents who love not only him, but also each other. Talk to your husband about what worries you and spend time together. Maternity leave is a difficult time in the relationship between husband and wife. There are many reasons, but this is a topic for a separate article. remember, that to a loved one It's not easy either.

And the last piece of advice from Cool Mom is to find something that makes you happy. There is no single recipe. Follow your desires, look for harmony and remember that happy children come only from happy parents.

To avoid emotional burnout Two things are important on maternity leave:

  • notice your personal needs;
  • look for ways to satisfy them.

The desire to spend a week without children is already tired. This comes after my personal needs have not been met for a long time. After all, this didn’t happen immediately after the birth of the child, right? At first, mom is delighted with her baby. And he doesn’t want to give it to anyone. But then fatigue sets in.

The needs of most mothers are approximately the following:

  • the need to be with your thoughts, in your world, in contact with yourself (as a rule, if there is no burnout, this does not take much time);
  • need for communication;
  • the need for creativity;
  • in self-education;
  • in some kind of hobby.

Of course, this list is approximate.

And if we learn to get all this while on maternity leave with the baby, then fatigue will not accumulate. Or it will just be physical fatigue, not burnout.

Today on the playground the conversation started again about kindergartens and how hard it must be for me. How difficult it is to be with your child all the time.

And I thought this: if I sat with the children all day, didn’t arrange any games, didn’t come up with any new teaching methods, didn’t look for new approaches, didn’t experiment with education, didn’t write articles, didn’t coach, didn’t go through my countless trainings. , didn’t read the book and didn’t communicate with anyone...

It would really be very difficult for me. I would howl because there were only children with me. And I would run to work.

But now... I like that children are always in the family. Yes, you can give a list of “advantages” of upbringing without kindergarten, but by and large, the main reason for our refusal of gardens is that I like it that way. And for children too!

I like to live my life this way. When the children are nearby, when we go through everything together. Yes, this gives additional troubles. I am obliged to organize their communication with peers on my own (however, this is not difficult). Organize classes. And so on.

But all this is not a problem. And for me it's worth it. There is no routine in our life. Where does routine even come from?! We either have a playful trip to the desert, or explore a haunted castle, or seriously study music or other arts...

We can leave home anywhere any day. To friends, to the zoo, to the store, to a new park or to a master class... We can live as actively as we want. Add as much communication into your life as you want. As many adventures as you want.

We might suddenly decide to make a big real cake together. The main thing is not to fight over who will whip the cream with a mixer. We can watch programs about Kamchatka. We can paint each other with gouache. We can make many beautiful paper flowers. We can make a theater. We can all just splash around in the bath together. Or film your “program” on your phone.

And yes, I have something personal that I need. My quiet time. Self-education. My project. Coaching. Without this I would feel dissatisfied.

Of course, every mother has her own needs. Not everyone needs to write and consult. Someone may have a need to sew. Some people want to study English. But the following is important: notice your needs... And look for ways to satisfy them.

This is the second year I’ve been on maternity leave with my daughter,” thirty-year-old Ksenia tells her friends. - I don’t bring money into the house. That's why I try to save money. My husband's salary is not glamorous. There’s enough for what’s necessary, but not more than that!.. At the same time, I’m terribly jealous of my husband. With my last salary I bought myself a new suit and shoes, although we only got him good expensive shoes in the fall... I’ve been wearing my shoes for three years now, but he doesn’t have time to change them!.. He has the latest model laptop, all his gadgets, he bought headphones again recently ...

Well, this is not the last money, is it?

Of course not. We don’t go hungry, but it’s still a shame. I’m trying to find something, I go to a distant store for milk and vegetables, where everything is a few rubles cheaper. I count pennies, look for discounts, carry bags, stand at the stove for hours. And I wear old boots that don’t mind the mud and slush. Whereas he now has two pairs of new ones. Yes, not simple ones, but expensive ones...

Well, on the one hand, he makes money himself! And his work is not all sugar. Heavy and nervous. Does he need to please himself somehow? If he wanted, he bought, he has the right. The family is not starving - everything is fine...

It's a shame that he doesn't even give advice! - Ksenia sighs. - I went and bought it, but what do you mean? There are a lot of arguments - they say it’s based on my clothes, I need to look normal, no worse than everyone else...

Did you tell him that you also need new shoes, a phone, lipstick?

She did, of course. He has an answer to everything - well, you’re on maternity leave now! At home, it seems like there is no one to show off to. You just need shoes that are intact, good quality, and comfortable for walking. No time for frills. The phone is still normal, it works perfectly, some cosmetics are left over from my previous life, bags too... That’s all I wear. My husband says, if you get ready for work, then we’ll buy everything you need. We'll update your wardrobe. For now there is no need. Still, no one sees me except the mommies on the playground...

Yeah... What a look your husband has!

Not only him. And my mother-in-law is on his side, and, the most offensive thing, my mother too! They say your husband is in public, he needs everything new, but you’re sitting at home! Why do you need new clothes? And there seems to be some logic in this. But why does he have everything and nothing to me? He dresses beautifully, meets people, sometimes has lunch in a cafe, uses new things... And not only am I in four walls with a child, I’m also dressed in old clothes... They haven’t bought me anything new for probably six months. Sad!

Do you think you really don’t need much on maternity leave, and you can get by with old things? Well, it’s stupid to get a manicure in a salon, for example, buy a bunch of new things and cosmetics, change gadgets for more modern models- to sit with all this splendor at home? Although, of course, if you don’t have a lot of money, then why not live in grand style. But how many families do we have with a wife on maternity leave who don’t count pennies?